I know this is a seemingly trivial and potentially irritating topic. If you feel that way, I suggest you stop reading now. Because man, oh man, do I have some stuff to say about underwear.
Here's what I want: black cotton briefs. Full coverage. Call me a granny, but I don't want my ass on display. Visible panty lines? I'm okay with them. Thongs, in my opinion, in addition to being uncomfortable, beg the question "Is she, or isn't she?"
As in, is she or isn't she wearing underwear.
And you know what? I'm FINE with the whole freakin' world knowing that Yes, I am wearing underwear.
I. Am. Fine. With. That.
All I want are plain cotton briefs. Plain, BLACK cotton briefs. White is okay, and certainly welcome in the rotation, as are greys and taupes, but I prefer black.
And black cotton briefs are simply not available.
Or, they're not affordable. The image shown above is a pair of Nordstrom organic cotton briefs, which cost about $30 each. Not including shipping. And there's no Nordstrom in Canada.
I swear to you, I have looked high and I have looked low and there is simply no such thing as a five-pack of plain, black cotton briefs.
How is this possible?
You want cotton? No problem. There's plenty of cotton. If you want cotton, you can have this:
Oh, cotton is available. As long as you're a skinny minnie, aged 10 to 22.
I am nearly 31. And as such, I do not want any of the following nearing my nether regions:
- polka dots
- kitty cats
- plastic jewels
- the words "kiss" "meow" "hot" "hawt" etc.
Plain, however (unless you want white granny panties that pull up to your neck and can double for a tent in inclement weather) is again, simply not to be had. This is to be had:
But underwear that isn't hideous, uncomfortable or ridiculous? Not to be had.
If I wanted to look like a down-on-her-luck prostitute with an affinity to polyester and a natural resistance to yeast infections, sure, I'd be set. After all, there's plenty of this crap on the market:
But I am not a down-on-her-luck prostitute and I like my cotton. And I like it in black.
Is this really too much to ask for? I mean, in an ideal world, not only would I be able to find plain black panties, but I'd be able to find them in organic, fair-trade cotton at a fair price. I've already lowered my expectations, okay? WHY WON'T THE UNIVERSE STEP UP?
Panties are one of the only things I still purchase new. I'm a second-hand woman, for a number of reasons, but second-hand panties are still out of my league. So underwear shopping is the only remaining vestige of my old life that leads me to the dark and cruel world of mass-market retail.
And the experience is nothing short of horrifying. Every. Single. Time.
My kingdom for a pair of accessible, black cotton panties, yo. My kingdom.
And that's my post for today. Deal with it.
*EDITED TO ADD:
Some folks out there have suggested Victoria Secret as a possible option. But, as this screen grab shows, this is what they offer in the "cotton" category: