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Can we talk for a minute about underwear?

Yeah. Underwear.

I know this is a seemingly trivial and potentially irritating topic. If you feel that way, I suggest you stop reading now. Because man, oh man, do I have some stuff to say about underwear.

Here's what I want: black cotton briefs. Full coverage. Call me a granny, but I don't want my ass on display. Visible panty lines? I'm okay with them. Thongs, in my opinion, in addition to being uncomfortable, beg the question "Is she, or isn't she?"

As in, is she or isn't she wearing underwear.

And you know what?  I'm FINE with the whole freakin' world knowing that Yes, I am wearing underwear.

I. Am. Fine. With. That.

All I want are plain cotton briefs. Plain, BLACK cotton briefs. White is okay, and certainly welcome in the rotation, as are greys and taupes, but I prefer black.

And black cotton briefs are simply not available.

Or, they're not affordable. The image shown above is a pair of Nordstrom organic cotton briefs, which cost about $30 each. Not including shipping. And there's no Nordstrom in Canada.

I swear to you, I have looked high and I have looked low and there is simply no such thing as a five-pack of plain, black cotton briefs.

How is this possible?

You want cotton? No problem. There's plenty of cotton. If you want cotton, you can have this:

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Hanes... I thought I could count on you. Where's the black, yo?

Oh, cotton is available. As long as you're a skinny minnie, aged 10 to 22.

I am nearly 31. And as such, I do not want any of the following nearing my nether regions:
  • butterflies
  • polka dots
  • kitty cats
  • glitter
  • plastic jewels
  • neon
  • fur
  • faux-fur
  • the words "kiss" "meow" "hot" "hawt" etc.
I don't hate patterns or anything, but when it comes to my underwear, I want something plain.

Plain, however (unless you want white granny panties that pull up to your neck and can double for a tent in inclement weather) is again, simply not to be had. This is to be had:
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I don't mind a white panty, but these babies are massive.

But underwear that isn't hideous, uncomfortable or ridiculous? Not to be had.

If I wanted to look like a down-on-her-luck prostitute with an affinity to polyester and a natural resistance to yeast infections, sure, I'd be set. After all, there's plenty of this crap on the market:
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Lovely styles, currently available at LaSenza.

But I am not a down-on-her-luck prostitute and I like my cotton. And I like it in black.

Is this really  too much to ask for? I mean, in an ideal world, not only would I be able to find plain black panties, but I'd be able to find them in organic, fair-trade cotton at a fair price. I've already lowered my expectations, okay? WHY WON'T THE UNIVERSE STEP UP?

Panties are one of the only things I still purchase new. I'm a second-hand woman, for a number of reasons, but second-hand panties are still out of my league. So underwear shopping is the only remaining vestige of my old life that leads me to the dark and cruel world of mass-market retail.

And the experience is nothing short of horrifying. Every. Single. Time.

My kingdom for a pair of accessible, black cotton panties, yo. My kingdom.

And that's my post for today. Deal with it.

*EDITED TO ADD:

Some folks out there have suggested Victoria Secret as a possible option. But, as this screen grab shows, this is what they offer in the "cotton" category:
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That said, I appreciate all the suggestions. The Bay, Jockey, and Sears have all been vouched for. I have been to the department stores and had little luck, but I'm willing to keep trying. Thanks for the advice, ladies!
 


Comments

Patty
06/27/2011 13:31

We're going underwear shopping. I know where to find what you're looking for.

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Chase
02/14/2012 03:48

Why don't you get some white ones and dye them black yourself? Hell, you can find pretty much any kind of panty you want in white. Just a suggestion. Maiden form has been good to me in the black department. Although most of mine are thongs I do have a few black briefs.

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Vanessa
06/27/2011 13:35

Sears and The Bay are your friends. Just ask my drawer of drawers.

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06/27/2011 15:17

I am so with you on this! Black are my favorites too. I end up buying the five pack that has one black pair, two nudes, and two whites just to get the black pair. If, as Patty commented, there really is a solution, please blog about it and let the rest of the world know!

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Cindy
06/27/2011 17:13

Joe Fresh carries great cotton undies in black for next to nothing! The superstores have the best stock.

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Tara
07/03/2011 11:43

JcPenny. Swear. I love my cotton undies. I found some super comfortable ones, THAT ARE BLACK, there a couple months ago. They're like 4 for $20 or 5 for $20 or something like that. They're called (just looked online) Flirtitude Cotton Stretch Boy Brief. Yes, some of the designs have wording and some of them are polka dotted and white BUT (!!) they do have solid black ones! And, I swear to you, they're the most comfortable underwear ever.

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Alicia
07/04/2011 13:44

Try Marks Work Wearhouse! Denver Hayes cotton briefs are amazing, comfortable and they don't slide around. White and black. Plain, no nonsense.

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Alicia
07/04/2011 13:45

Here's a link, good luck!
http://www2.marks.com/productdetails.asp?categoryID=339&start=1&href=%2Fctwnew%2Fmarkprod.nsf%2FProductListByID%2F9E3937B534D2ABDF802575B800084ED0%3FOpenDocument

It took me years to find a solid cotton plain pair of panties, so I totally understand.

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Heather
07/20/2011 11:52

Hey, I know what you're talking about - whites are nice for, well, white skirts and trousers, but black is KING. Of course, if you're unable to find anything, Marks & Spencer's, here in the UK is amazing for knickers - £12 for a pack, of five 100% cotton high briefs (my shoice of panty). I would be happy to buy a few packs for you and send them over... (paypal makes this kind of thing so easy.) Seriously, if you're desperate, lemme know!

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Pamela
12/05/2012 09:20

AMEN, SISTER! You said it all. I feel your pain. I once sent an email to the customer service department of Just My Size asking for the production of a pack of panties that were all black but other then the automatic email I recieved in return (you know...we have recieved your email and a customer service representative will reply to you...blah blah blah. Which they DIDN'T) I heard nothing back from them. Maybe if they heard from a few others out there it might get their attention? (hint hint) lol

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Holly
01/14/2013 20:36

AMEN Sistah! Try finding them in plus size....it's like searching for the holy grail. and every pack from JMS or Hanes just says "assorted" Assorted!? Like it's just too much trouble to let us pick the pattern out assets are swaddled in. Good grief!

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Karen
10/15/2013 12:22

I couldn't have said it better myself! My black panties are SO old, they have holes in them and are so frayed along the elastic that it SHOWS! They are St. Eves I bought at Ross' probably over FIVE years ago and they were AWESOME! They were thicker cotton so they've lasted...unlike the cheaply made Hanes or Fruit of the Loom and all the other cotton ones you can find (no BLACK!) that are SO THIN you can see through them and they're done in a few months! I literally don't know what to do- I NEED NEW BLACK COTTON PANTIES BUT CAN'T FIND COMFORTABLE ONES THAT COVER MY WHOLE ASS AND MY ASS DEPENDS ON IT!!! I can NOT understand why they even MAKE white panties as they show every bump, dimple, and are SO unflattering- esp. if you've got a very shapely bum like mine! I've attempted to contact the St. Eve's company, but can't even find them on the internet... I seriously don't know what to do...maybe I should try what "Chase" said in her post above (2-14-12) and TRY to find some nicer thicker cotton ones and dye them myself. I guess I'm gonna have to as I am at the end of my rope with not being able to find BLACK, FULL COVERAGE, COTTON PANTIES!! Oh, and another problem I have is I have very large thighs so I also need Hi-Cut so they don't bind! HELP!!!

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09/13/2014 05:50

I see you wrote this in 2011. Just stumbled here looking for a plain pair of black cotton underwear and getting absolutely nowhere with it. Did you ever find what you were looking for?? We need to pray to some underpants gods or something to send us help.

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09/13/2014 07:12

Hey Kara,
Thanks for reading. The truth is, I never really found a perfect solution. I buy Fruit of the Loom 5 packs online sometimes (from places like Walmart), where you can sometimes find all-black packs. But I'm not crazy about the quality. The best solution I've found is actually random Dollar or discount stores. The ones here in Toronto often have a section of totally weird underwear, but if I dig through, I've been able to find plain black cotton ones here and there. It's been a frustrating few years, panty-wise! Oh well.

Good luck!

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