1. Are you clever?
Just read the survey, smarty.
2. Have you ever smoked heroin?
3. Do you own a gun?
Oh yeah, so don’t mess with me.
4.Have you ever been in jail?
Just to visit my mom.
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
No. I’m not six.
6. What do you think of hot dogs?
They’re nature’s perfect food.
7. What's your favourite Christmas song?
Pump up the Jam.
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Bourbon. But it’s too expensive.
9. Can you do push-ups?
Yes. I am wicked strong.
10. Is your bathroom clean?
11. What's your favourite piece of jewellery?
Lately, the circle necklace D gave me for Christmas.
12. Do you like painkillers?
Only if they like me.
13. Who annoyed you today?
The one person who was rude enough to respond to my sister about the baby shower instead of to me, despite the simple rsvp instructions laid out in the invite. So petty!
14. Who made you happy today?
Em and Nat, who will be over for girls’ night in just a few hours.
15. What are you doing right now?
This survey. Hellooooo?
16. Middle Name?
17. List three thoughts in your head right now.
A) It’s past five, and still not dark. Summer’s coming.
B) My fingers smell like cheese. Are they making my keyboard smell like cheese?
C) This is stupid.
18. List the last three things you bought?
A) Groceries for the dinner party.
B) Wine for my alcoholism.
C) Coffee for my caffeine addiction.
19. What three beverages do you consume most?
20. Current mood?
Slightly grumpy. Very procrastinatey.
My fingers say cheese.
22. Current worry?
That posting this survey will make me seem like a fourteen year old dork.
23. Current hate?
24. Favourite place to be?
Right here, right now. My house is pretty and always nice to me.
25. Where do you want to travel most?
Nowhere. Everywhere. Anywhere.
26. Do you own slippers?
No, and I’m terribly sad about it.
27. What shirt are you wearing?
A Queen’s hoodie. White tee. Jeans.
28. Do you burn or tan?
You white people make me laugh.
29. Favourite colour(s)?
There’s so such thing as a bad colour, only bad application of colour.
30. Would you be a pirate?
No. A wench.
31. What songs do you sing in the shower?
I don’t, usually. But when I was eleven, I remember singing Tiffany’s I Think We’re Alone Now.
32. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
33. What's in your pockets right now?
34. Last thing that made you laugh?
D. Even if I’m grumpy or mad, he’s too funny not to.
35. Worst injury you've ever had?
Officially, my broken arm (compound fracture, with a puncture, baby!) Unofficially, maybe “thumby” – which is what we named my thumb after Nick’s car door tried to eat it.
36. Best injury you've ever had?
Bug in the eye. Grade 6. Made a stink. It was awesome.
37. Does someone have a crush on you?
38. Do you have a crush on anyone?
No. Most people are losers.
39. Do you wish on stars?
I pray to the baby Jesus.
40. What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
Dust on the Bottle by David Lee Murphy
41. What song do you want played at your funeral?
Poor Some Sugar On Me by Def Leppard
42. What were you doing 12 AM last night?
Drinkin’ and druggin’ OBVIOUSLY.
43. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up this morning?
D looks pretty for court. I wish he’d shush.
44. Do you have a bestie?
Yes. Two. Craig and Patty. (Come home, Craiger! I miss you!)
45. Do you have enemies?
Probably, but they’re not worth mentioning.
46. Last thing to get stuck in your head?
Nine beeyootiful fish.
48. What do you regret?
Starting this stupid survey.
49. Can we trust you?
If you have to ask, probably not.
50. Are all your answers true?
Not even close.
Well. That was stupid.