And then, new things happen. Green things grow in the blackened earth. We've talked about this before.
I'm back. I guess. Sort of. It's hard to know where to start.
It's funny, it's it? I kept threatening to stop blogging, and not following though. Which is sort of what I'm like in general, so really, it shouldn't surprise. Then, all of a sudden, without meaning to, I did. Follow through, I mean. I didn't intend to stop posting. It just happened. The way things do.
In March of 2009, I was dissatisfied with my job. Desperate in fact. Desperate to get out of it and out of my life. I know because exit desperation is something I'm familiar with. When you're trapped in a loveless marriage of sorts with someone who's impotent, addicted to internet gaming, pornography and various forms of assholeyness (which is a word I made up because there aren't any better ones) and you hate your job, and you own expensive things, and want people to like you, and you're getting fat, and you don't trust your friends, and addiction seems like a good solution, desperation becomes part of your everyday.
This is a lament of the upper middle classes, I know. Pathetic, really. Not at all like having real problems.
Nonetheless, you feel desperate on a regular basis. And in that way, it's no so bad, really. You get through. You accept. You learn things about patience. And it's not a feeling you forget. In a way, desperate times teach you to watch out for them. Forever after, you recognize their faces. You learn to slam the door quick, without hesitating.
So. In March, I hated my job. I'd hated it for awhile. And, remembering past mistakes, I jumped ship quick. Before it wore me down. Unfortunately I merely managed one of those frying pan/fire maneuvers. Figures. (But more on that another time.) Regardless, here we are in 2010, and dare I say things are working out?
Gainful employment that stimulates, uses expensive education, and doesn't make one want to gouge out eyes with spoon? Check.
Home that is homey, unique and envy-worthy? (We all have our vices.) Check.
Love from partner who boasts respectable, impressive world view, devotion to ethical lifestyle and infinite capacity to empathize? Check.
Yeah, I'd say things are working out. Which, when you consider the patent unfairness of the universe, is a pretty nice thing.
I'm glad it's 2010. At last. I like the roundness of it. The blank slate-y-ness. (Yeah. And I'm paid to be an editor.) I like that it means five years since 2005, when the cracks started widening into craters and 10 years since 2000, when I felt so very wise. I even like that it's been 15 years since 1995, heartbreaking though that sometimes is. I'm just glad. And lucky. Incredibly fucking lucky. And between being glad and lucky, when I'm smart, I'm also grateful. And that's something.
*Photo by Marek Wojtal from Stock Xchng.