That's a shocking thought. That I wanted a wedding. An engagement ring. Who was that person? To the me I know now, the whole white dress ceremony thing sounds like a nightmare. The idea of a blood diamond ring makes me sick. I didn't realize this then. How could I not have known this about myself? How could I have not known... me?
I was a very stupid girl. That's the bottom line. Obviously I didn't think carefully or seriously about anything beyond what my life looked from the outside. And if you'd asked me then what I might feel now, in this particular situation, I would have laughed, stupid girl that I was. For one thing, this situation would never occur. Not ever. That in my 30th year Darrell would be marrying a former acquaintance in Vancouver? Not a chance. But if such a thing did happen (not that it would) I'd certainly feel something. I would have called that a certainty.
I suppose I didn't understand what a certainty was. Not then. Darrell and I haven't spoken in nearly three years. I wonder if my feelings about him, my anger, resentment, rage and shame about what happened between us burned out in the meantime. Maybe it burned so hot it turned to ashes and blew away. If so, that might be a good thing. It might speak to a sort of resilience I never knew I had.
Alas, I don't think it's that at all. I'm not resilient. I've never been particularly resilient. I can hold a grudge for decades, feel an imagined slight for months. If I close my eyes, I can call up humiliations that took place fifteen years ago, and in remembering them, I feel them as if they were happening right now. I sweat. That's how real they are.
I don't get over things. I never have.
The truth, perhaps, about this nothing feeling, is that my time with Darrell was largely wasted. Largely meaningless. Maybe our life together was blanketed by a great, suffocating swath of nothing. I didn't know it at the time, and I barely recognize it now, but maybe that explains it. Maybe it never meant what I thought it did. And that is a terrible thing. I let that time slip away. I let it mean nothing. I let those years go to waste. And now there's a girl in the centre of the nothingness who I can't recognize. She's so faded, she's practically gone.
Who was that girl? Where did she she go? Is she this woman? This self I am now? Or is she just... gone?
So. That's what I'm thinking about today. That's what I'm dredging up from the deeper well. For whatever it's worth.