According to The New York Times, Swamplandia! is "a novel about alligator wrestlers, a balding brown bear named Judy Garland, a Bird Man specializing in buzzard removal, a pair of dueling Florida theme parks, rampaging melaleuca trees, a Ouija board and the dead but still flirtatious Louis Thanksgiving. Sound appealing? No, it does not. Unless Ms. Russell had you at “alligator wrestlers” — not likely — you may well recoil at every noxiously fanciful item on that list."

Cute as it is, reducing Russell's book to this list of "noxiously fanciful" oddities, even for the purpose of proving a point before going on to shower the book with praise, which the NYT article does, does her a disservice.

Certainly, the aforementioned images and characters appear in Swamplandia!, but they're not what the book is about. Not even a little bit. The book is about a grieving family, recovering from the loss of their matriarch while trying to deal with financial ruin and teenage growing pains.

At it's heart, this is universal stuff.

For all the talk about the strangeness of Russell's settings, her story is ultimately about a very average family. They simply happen to live in very unusual circumstances. The "Bigtrees" live on the fringe. They're island-dwellers who home-school their children (and the children are, as a result, seriously unsocialized). But the drama of the story grows out of loss, grief, poverty and assimilation. It's a book about things you know, wrapped in a shell of things you are unfamiliar with (say, the alligator wrestling) and the result is extremely compelling, and very, very sad. (Look out for very serious stuff such as possible suicide attempts and rape.)

I really don't want to give too much away except to say that the impression I got from this book was similar to what I felt while reading Peter Rock's My Abandonment (which I raved about last year). If you read that book and liked it, I highly recommend you read this.

P.S. If you decide to try Russell, you might not want to start with Swamplandia!

I started with the novel because it's the book I was given first, but it might have been better to begin with the 2006 short story collection, St. Lucy's Home for Girls Raised By Wolves. The stories will give you a good idea of Russell's style and you won't have to commit to a longer piece. Also, St. Lucy's contains a prototype or seed story that seems to have germinated into Swamplandia! as a whole, so that's another good reason to read it first. (The story won't be as compelling if you read it after getting to know the same characters in the longer novel.)

Here's how it went:

I went to Omni hoping to sell 3 things. These things are as follows:

1) A 14k gold circle pendant (with chain) featuring a ring of small diamonds. (Original price: about $500)
2) A pair of diamond earrings (studs). Smallish, by v. high quality diamonds, set in white gold. (Original price: $750)
3) One 18k gold earring set with six small diamonds (like the ones in the circle pendant) that didn't have a mate. It was real, but I don't know how much it cost, because I found it in Heathrow airport six years ago.

I wasn't expecting that much, but considering that I had original receipts and/or appraisal documents for each item, I figured I might get a nice little chunk of change. Maybe... $200? $250?

Not even close. Omni offered me $110. For all three items combined.

Now, this is jewellery I don't want. It's stuff I don't wear. Besides the found earring, it was all given to me by an ex and is infected with bad juju. I WANTED to sell it, but I just couldn't bring myself to settle for such a crappy pay out.

I had receipts! I had appraisals! But in the world of jewellery hocking, such things mean nothing, I've learned.

Perhaps I should have known. I mean, consider the kinds of ads these outfits run.

_I definitely should have known.

I'd also like to add that the clerk at Omni was a bit smarmy and condescending, which didn't make me want to make a deal. Regarding the pendant necklace, he said "I know it's pretty and it sparkles, but it's not really worth anything." And "these diamonds are sOooo small ... it would cost me as much as they're worth to remove them from the setting."

Um. Yeah right, I thought. You could take apart this setting in five minutes, buster. You're not fooling anyone.

The whole experience was lame. I parted with the one earring and was paid $20 for it. (Six little diamonds, plus the thick gold setting and all I got was $20. But hey... he was doing me a favour, right? The diamonds were soooo small.) I let the earring go because I'd found it. Didn't seem fair to profit too much from someone else's loss. But I took the rest of my pieces home.

After having this experience, I can't understand why people sell jewellery this way at all. You've got to be desperate.

Maybe I'll do some sort of bad juju cleansing and start wearing this stuff again. Maybe I'll regift it. Who knows?

Omni Jewel & Java Café
2793 Bathurst St.
Toronto, ON M6B 3A4
(416) 783-2091

P.S. Also, there's a built in café/restaurant at the Omni location I visited. Because it makes total sense to combine food service and fine jewellery sales? Totally weird.

_I've been trying to like American Horror Story for more than eight weeks now. Trying ... and failing.

I want to like this show. Really, I do. It seems to have everything going for it. Attractive, interesting actors? Check. Creepy, but chic sets? Check. Nice fonts? Check. Dead babies? Check.

But it's just not working for me. Not at all. The scares come primarily from gore and cheap tricks designed to make you jump, but even when I DO jump, I'm always more unsettled and grossed out than frightened. And frankly, the plot makes NO SENSE. I know I'm supposed to be patient and that things will likely be explained in more detail by the end of the first season (which hasn't aired yet here in Canada). But I'm sick of waiting! Instead of introducing new ghosts in every freakin' episode (last night's newbie being an imagined version of Elizabeth Short (a.k.a.The Black Dahlia, played by Mena Suvari), why not advance the plot a little bit? I'm sure there's a reason, but I just don't care.

The problem, I think, is that nearly every character in American Horror Story is hateful. With the exception of Vivian, played by Connie Britton, who is clearly meant to be the heart of the cast, not one character is particularly likable.

Husband Ben Harmon (Dylan McDermott) is a philandering jerk face. Daughter Violet (Taissa Farmiga) is little more than an annoyingly angsty teen, neighbour Constance (Jessica Lange) is somewhat appealing, probably because of Lange's acting, but she's not nice.  And the legions of ghosts are generally creepy and horrible, which makes sense I suppose, since they're ghosts and evil and all that, but still ... a viewer needs SOMEONE to relate to and love. (At least, I do.) And Vivian doesn't appear enough to fill that role.

I've come this far, so I'm going to keep watching until the end of the season, but I'm not hopeful. American Horror Story will appeal to some, I'm sure, but without a little more heart, I can't see it ever becoming a mainstream favourite.

As some of you guys know, I work in the Queen West area of Toronto, right at the edge of Parkdale. And in nice weather, I like to wander the neighbourhood during my lunch hour. This wandering has lead me to a lot of great vintage stores.

In particular, one I'm loving more and more lately is 69 Vintage.

Back in 2007, Robyn Urback at BlogTO did a piece on the store, but all I really remember about it was her focus on the smell... as in, the smell of vintage stores. She LOVED that 69 Vintage didn't (in her opinion) smell.

People are so weird. Why do so many people think second hand stores smell bad? It's all in your head, weirdos. Do they smell different than new stores? Yes. Do they smell unique in the way that people's houses smell unique? Yes, they do. But don't be a snob, please. It's totally lame. Just because another person's body has touched a piece of clothing, doesn't mean it's going to smell. Geeze.

Anyway, here are some ads and images that capture the 69 Vintage look:

If you like the look of the stuff above, you'll like 69 Vintage. I suggest you check it out.

Then Came You by Jennifer Weiner      ** 1/2

I wish there was a nice way to explain this book without invoking the words "chick lit." But there isn't.

That said, Weiner's work is some of the best in the genre. It gives you the warm fuzzies, it features young women in New York, but it's not completely predictable.

This one tackles the world of infertility, from egg donation, to IVF, to surrogacy. Women's lives intersect. Things get a bit tense, there are several red herrings, and ultimately,  a happy (and unbelievable) ending. It's a decent beach read, but I wouldn't say it's more than that.

Home Safe by Elizabeth Berg    ***

I liked this book. It read like very (very) light and accessible version of Unless by Carol Shields. It features an aging writer-narrator, still dealing with the sudden death of her spouse a year ago, who must also face her writer's block while navigating her relationship with her adult daughter (who often finds her exasperating).

The best thing about this book is the voice of the writer/narrator. She's appealing, and I felt like I could relate to her, even though she's more my mother's age than my own. I'd recommend this, but I'd warn readers not to expect too much.

Lemon by Cordelia Strube     *** 1/2

This is probably one of the "best" books I read all week, in that it is very well written, and very literary, but I'm not sure it's mainstream or accessible enough to warrant a full-on endorsement.

Title character - Limone (aka Lemon) is a 16 year old girl with a whole lot of angst. No false optimism for her. Sounds predictable, but it's not. For one thing, the book's written in a stream-of-consciousness-esque teen-speak that twists and turns in unpredictable ways. For another, the basic plot is ultimately WAY more upsetting than any teen-focused book you're likely to encounter in the main stream. Expect disturbing sexual assaults, for one thing.

My one quibble is that I'm not 100% convinced that teens like Lemon even exist. She's a bit too literature/history obsessed. A bit too Holden Caulfiend.  As I said, this book isn't for everyone, but I do think it's good. It was on the Giller Long List. Make of that what you well.

Heaven is Small by Emily Schultz     ** 1/2

This is definitely the weirdest book I read all week. The premise is this: protagonist Gordon Small dies and (failing to notice his death) seeks new employment. He gets a post-mortem job at Heaven -- the world's foremost publisher of romance novels.

Bizarre, right?

The rest of the book is about Gordon realizing he's dead and trying to figure out exactly how "Heaven" works. It's kind of funny, I guess. And ultimately pretty light.

In the end, however, I'm not sure what to make of it. I thought the book was okay, but I didn't feel edified by it. I finished reading on the plane ride home and closed the cover thinking... nothing. Little about it resonated.

The book's strangeness makes it kind of interesting, but even having finished it, I'm on the fence about whether I liked it or not.

Beautiful Boy by David Sheff      *** 1/2

This one is a heavy memoir about a parent's relationship to his son's addiction to crystal meth. I think both author father and addict son were on Oprah once, so maybe you've heard of it.

Sometimes people ask me about why I haven't had kids yet. The answer is in this book, to some extent. Because having a child is TERRIFYING. You never know what might happen. You can do everything right (or as right as possible). You can try your best. Your kid may still become a meth addict. Anyway, like I said, this book is heavy. A little dense, and not for everyone, but I thought it was very smart, and very worth reading.

Year of Wonders by Geraldine Brooks      ****1/2

This was the best thing I read all week, by far. It's historical fiction about a small town in 17th Century England (1665-1666) that is beset by plague.

Over the course of one year, more than half the population dies. The novel is narrated by a housemaid who survives.

It's incredible. Really. Totally engaging. Totally disturbing. In some ways, hard to read (because bad thing after bad thing happens, with almost no relief), but I couldn't put it down.

3 Willows by Ann Brashares     ***

By the author of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series, this book is about a "new sisterhood" of three eighth-grade girls.

It's not an adult book, and it's not great literature, but I enjoyed it. The struggles each girl faces are fairly predictable, but then again, I'm in my 30s. The girls in the story are familiar, and that's a good thing in YA literature.

If you have a younger teen daughter, I'd recommend this to her. (It also contains lots of interesting facts about willow trees. Bonus.)

The Almost Archer Sisters by Lisa Gabriele     **

Not terrible, but the weakest thing I read all week. It's about the relationship between two (predictably different) sisters. One sleeps with the others husband. Drama ensues. But you know how it is... relationships are complicated. There's family history to consider. Sisterhood. Blah blah blah.

The thing that bothered me most was the book's obsessive weight chatter. Body type was regularly noted as if it was important to the plot. At one point, the narrator describes a woman (who weighs 160lbs, FYI - Gabriele actually tells you that) giving her a "fleshy" hug. Eesh. Such things ruined an otherwise average book.

Okay, so there's the first four books down. Like I said, I'll tell you about the last four shortly. Happy reading.

Prime Suspect
I NEVER thought I would like this show, but I didn't initially realize it was based on the ITV series of the same name. As far as traditional cop dramas go, I think it's the best of late. (Shocker!) It's like The Closer meets NYPD Blue. The gender dynamics on the show are interesting. Best of all, it's well-paced and it's NOT predictable. That's saying a lot for a cop show. I highly recommend you give it a try.

 

Pan Am

So much hype, so little payoff. Cute costumes? Check. Kitchy, 60s-era production values? Check. Terrible writing? Check.

If the first episode is anything to go by, this show is going to be one big, predictable cliche after another.

Sure, you'll be seeing Pan Am stewardess costumes this Halloween, but that doesn't mean the show isn't totally canned. I'll keep watching for now, but I'm predicting it will go the way of Desperate Housewives: lame, but a probable main-stream success.
Look for: Great wardrobe (because I seriously doubt Pan Am will have more to offer).

 

The Playboy Club

Surprisingly good, particularly when compared to Pan Am. The Playboy Club is a nice example of how to rip off Mad Men, but do it well.

The first episode was compelling: an accidental murder, a small-town, doe-eyed girl, a wanna-be State's attorney, plus good set-up of the season's greater arc.

Add high production values and smart nods to the political issues or the era, (feminism, gender, race) and you've got the makings of a good show. I'll keep watching.
Look for: Bad faux Hef voice-overs to keep you from becoming TOO invested.

 

Ringer

After seeing a series of terrible CW promos set to over-played Adele songs, I didn't have high hopes, but Ringer wasn't that bad.

Despite some extremely heavy-handed visuals (I mean, we get it... they're twins... "dead" ringers... we get it), not to mention terrible green-screen work, the show manged to deal well enough with the emotional plot line, which is to say the drama associated with how one person might deal with taking over her sister's life. It was convincing enough... for now.

I'll give it a chance because I'm an old-time Buffy fan and I like SMG, but I'm not hopeful and am reserving judgment.
Look for: Incredible New York sets. This is some 'lifestyles of the rich and famous' stuff right here.

 

Revenge

Not being a fan of Emily Vankamp (who made Brothers and Sisters even more insufferable, if that's even possible), nor of the nighttime soap, I only watched this because Nate was out and I had nothing else to do, but I was pleasantly surprised. It's pure fluff set in the Hamptons, but fans of Gossip Girl and the like may enjoy its adult, contemporary spin on some old themes. It reminded me of a modern day Dallas, with a little more dark meat. I'll watch again, but I won't subject Nate to it (nor will I admit liking it, no matter what you do to me).
Look for: Ashley Madekwe (trouble-making best-friend from Secret Diary of a Call Girl), preppy couture by the busload, and Madeleine Stowe in skin-tight wasp-wear, totally unsuitable for a woman of her age.

There you have it: my little round up of some of the new fall shows. Make of it what you will.

P.S. I still plan to watch Terra Nova and Person of Interest, but haven't had time yet. No spoilers please!

Now, how cute is that? And not only is it cute, filled with lovely, painterly illustrations, it's also respectable and timeless.

Remember the controversy that arose when I wrote about the problematic racial depictions in The Cricket In Times Square? This book has none of those issues.

The story is about a raccoon who spends each winter in a different human home. (He "adopts" a new child to take him in every year.) But each spring, Macaroon is forced to part from these children when he returns to his life in the forest, and this parting is, as you might imagine, difficult. So Macaroon decides to solve the problem of painful partings by spending the upcoming winter with a "disagreeable" child -- the most disagreeable child he can find -- so that, come spring, he won't mind leaving. The child he finds is a wealthy, spoiled, lonely little girl with named Erika. She is very disagreeable indeed! Drama ensues.

The ultimate messages of this book are simply put, but so much more thoughtful than a lot of what I've found in the contemporary children's marketplace. For example, the story of Macaroon -- which is really the story of Erika, the disagreeable child -- tells us the following:

• Sometimes, when a person is disagreeable, it's only because they're unhappy.
  
• No matter how wronged you may be, forgiveness is necessary for your own future contentment.
• Friendship is important, but loyalty and fidelity to friendship are more important.
  
• Money can't buy love or cure loneliness.
• Compromises are necessary if you want to have a long-distance relationship.
  

Now, show me a contemporary book of this length, charm or simplicity that tackles all that and I'll give you a nickel. A whole nickel!

A few weeks ago (on July 7th, specifically), I was driving west along Eglinton Ave. in Toronto. Behind me was a Sleep Country Canada delivery truck. And when I say behind me, I mean RIGHT behind me. The driver was practically stuck to my bumper. Major tailgating.

And yes, it was making me angry.

I don't like tailgaters at the best of times, but when the tailgater in question is driving a huge truck, it makes me even more nervous.

After awhile, fed up, I gestured to the driver to move back. This was not an aggressive gesture. It was a limp-wristed flapping. A sort of non-verbal "shoo!" I wanted the truck to back up.

Did the truck back up? No. The Sleep Country Canada truck did NOT back up. Rather, the Sleep Country Canada truck swerved out to the right and pulled up beside me so that the driver could yell out his window "Stick it up your ass, lady! You fucking cunt!"

That's right. Apparently, Sleep Country Canada delivery men think yelling out "you fucking cunt" is... appropriate? Funny? Intimidating? I'm not sure what the guy thought. Clearly, he thought I was a "fucking cunt" for wanting him to back up, but that seems a bit... excessive, don't you think?

So what did I do? Well, I was startled and frightened so I didn't do much of anything. I kept my eyes on the road and tried not to incite the lunatic driver any further. But I DID take down his license plate. And after getting home, via a Facebook connection, I shared my experience with Sleep Country corporate.

But nothing came of it.

Apparently, my experience was forwarded to the Manager and VP of operations here in Toronto. Those people followed up with the driver and his "helper." Their version of events was, unsurprisingly, different from my own.

What did they say happened, I wonder? What situation did the driver and his helper concoct to make it seem appropriate for him to have called me a cunt? Or did he pretend he hadn't said that at all? I suppose if I were him, I'd lie as well. Still, I wonder what lie he told. Or at least, how he managed to concoct a lie that made sense to his superiors.

"In the absence of evidence, we aren't able to take disciplinary action," said Sleep Country in its email response.

Of course, I hadn't asked for disciplinary action. I hadn't asked for anything at all. I'd simply shared my experience. And considering that I'm a random person on the street, uninterested in discounts, compensation or the like, you'd think someone over at Sleep Country might have twigged to the fact that I have no motivation for making this sort of thing up. But alas, we live in a strange age.

Sleep Country did offer this much: "As well as individual conversations with these individuals, a general review of the Code of Business Conduct will be reviewed with all associates on the delivery team and we will also use your example to demonstrate the swiftness with which negative actions can be disseminated through social media and the negative impact it has on branding."

In other words, Sleep Country will be using what happened as a teaching tool. Hooray.

Here's the thing: the language the driver used was clearly gendered, clearly misogynistic, and definitely threatening. And that's a big deal. But Sleep Country didn't seem to care. Not enough, anyway.

Now, of course, I wasn't a Sleep Country customer. I was just a woman on the street. So perhaps Sleep Country's promise of "professional, courteous and friendly" delivery teams applies only to those who've actually purchased a mattress, but I can tell you one thing, I won't be purchasing ANYTHING from Sleep Country any time soon.

Why buy a mattress anywhere else? Why, indeed.