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BLAH-OG ARCHIVE, 2006 Go deep. December 31, 2006 IT'S GONNA BE A HAPPY NEW YEAR Last post of the year, people. Believe it. Am still in Toronto. It’s been a long time since I spent New Year’s Eve in this city. I’m not particularly looking forward to it. New Year’s it rarely much fun (with the exception of New Year’s Eve 2000, spent with Leslie. That was fun.) It’s so easy to overestimate how much fun you’re going to have. And when you’ve spent too much money, can’t get a cab, and just want to go home, it’s too easy to become annoyed and disappointed. Ah well. I’m still going out. I was talking to someone the other day and he told me he goes out almost every night of the week. He’s older than me. My life seems like it contains too much couch surfing by comparison. Must go out. Must. The plan, at the moment, is to go to a party at King and Bathurst. Said plan may change. Am determined to have fun. Not much else to report, really. Work is on hold until I’m back in Vancouver. I’m not making any resolutions. I’m perfect as is I’ll have you know. Later 2006. It’s been swell. Jen I WISH I HAD A RIVER Even so... Happy Christmas, everyone.  Jack Jones tells me these wonderful things are the things we remember all through our lives. Don't I know it! Stinking of stuffing, Jen December 24, 2006 ADD IT UP, IT ALL SPELLS “DUH” It’s Christmas Eve, you know. I’ve been in Toronto for over a week now and it’s quite possible I’ve already had enough. Wind storms be damned! Alas, I have weeks to go yet. Figures. Since arriving, I have done many things, and very little at the same time. Here’s the round up: Jen’s Toronto Not-So-Adventure, By the Numbers
Jen December 23, 2006 FOR A WHILE SHE WAS LOOKING FOR HER REAL PARENTS Ah, home. No Jodi Foster/Holly Hunter movie could ever really portray what this gong show is really like. You know how it is. The aura. The aura is dark, man. No wonder I’m thinking about Angela Chase. Everyone here is just so unfailing negative about everything. Every comment, every suggestion, every idea is met with immediate nay saying. Everybody loves to spew about why everything isn’t going to work/is a bad idea/is stupid/is wrong. It’s the opposite of the “if you don’t have anything nice to say” philosophy. And holy crap on a bun, it’s a downer. What’s funny is that everything does work out. If I don’t let myself get talked out of anything, all my stupid, bad, never-going to work ideas turn out just fine in the end. This isn’t just with me, either. Sure, my historical personal ventures have all worked (consider going to Queen’s, living in a ghetto house, staying friends with my roommates, moving to Vancouver, etc.) but I’m not even talking about those sorts of big things. I’m talking about little things. Like, if the couch I bought for Amanda’s place is indeed going to arrive when the delivery people said it would. Like, if rolling up the yellow carpet that never lay right is a good idea. Like, if we should go to the liquor store two days before Christmas. The universally offered answer to these and a variety of other questions is “No! Never! You’re crazy! Do that, and it will most definitely be THE END OF THE WORLD. (Or at the very least, you’ll be sorry!)” Seriously. That’s what it’s like. The couch will, of course, arrive. The yellow carpet was rolled without incident. The liquor store, despite a slightly longer than average wait, was perfectly manageable. And this is how it always goes. Oddly, an abundance of positive outcomes doesn’t influence the barrage of negativity. There’s no learning curve. You’d think, given the results we’ve seen over the years, their tune would change a little, but it doesn’t. The only way out is up. Matt used to offer the cliché “don’t let the bastards get you down” but I like to think of more in terms of building a positivism insulation bubble. It’s the only way to stay productive. I’m going to Waterloo tonight to attend the Swann family Christmas Eve Eve dinner, as Craig’s fake girlfriend. They are the kind of family that holds hands and says a nondenominational sort of grace whenever a lot of them are together. Maybe they’ll adopt me. They’re obviously not opposed to the concept in general. With obvious holes in the bubble, Jen December 8, 2006 DORKHEAD? YOU LASH ME WITH YOUR WORDS  For
those of you who don’t know, I own and publish a little webzine on the
side. On the side of my work for ION, and my freelance work, and the
rest of my life, I mean. And before you get too excited, when I say
little, I really do mean little.The magazine is called AGENCY and getting it off the ground has been pretty fun. I tell you this now, because the first issue is finally online. So, friends and acquaintances and strangers, I hope you’ll download it and tell me what you think. Be kind. I’m very fragile. Love, Jen December 4, 2006 WHO WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT - A BIG STRONG GUY OR AN INVISIBLE FAT GUY? Sometimes, you gotta mix things up a bit. So I'm trying out something new. Today, I spent a bunch of time (too much, really) importing my regular old-school blah-og onto my blogspot page. This way, the blah-og archive will be easier to search. For the moment, I'm still archiving all posts at jenselk.com as well, but I might stop doing that if this experiment proves useful. You'll still be able to read the current month's posts on the main site, but if you want to go deeper, blogspot might be the ticket. I should also note that I've enabled comments on the blogspot page (believe it!). So make some or don't. I don't care since if you say anything I don't like I'm just going to delete it. And we shall see what we shall see Jen P.S. Invisible fat guy. No contest. Am I wrong? November 25, 2006 BECAUSE TAFFY IS CHEWY AND DELICIOUS So I’ve been rethinking some of the gifts on my wish list. I’ve also thought of a few things I didn’t mention. Starbucks gift cards in any denomination, for one. And soundtrack CDs from the TV show The O.C. I only have the first disc, so any other disc in the series would be awesome. I also accept cash. And taffy. And tidings of comfort and joy. Fear not! As for the things I’ve changed my mind about, the list includes the martini shaker from Restoration Hardware. I took a look at it in the store and there are a couple things I don’t like about it. The top tarnishes, for one. And it’s HUGE. How many martinis am I ever going to make? Nix it. What else has been nixed? The hard plastic case for my ipod. I have a jelly case, and the truth is, it works fine. Seems like a waste to ask for another. The last thing I’ve changed my mind about is the food processor. I still need and want one, but it just doesn’t seem like a very fun gift. I should probably just buy one myself. Adjust your plans accordingly. Muhahaha! Jen November 16, 2006 I DON’T WANT TO BE THIS GOOD LOOKING AND ATHLETIC WE ALL HAVE CROSSES TO BEAR Lucky lucky loo. That’s me. This week has been great, work wise. Today, my story about Holding Out on Shacking Up appeared on the cover of The Tyee. (By coincidence, my cheque for the story also arrived today. Yay!) I also received a creative-writing surprise in the form of a cheque from FRONT magazine, which I just found out will be publishing an art poem I sent them last month. FRONT is printed five times a year and distributed nation-wide, so this is a nice surprise. The poem wasn’t titled, but was on the requested theme of Selves, and the magazine has titled it “Selves: A Dialogue”. Pick it up if you see it around. Otherwise, you’ll have to wait to read/see it on this site once the issue is off stands. Finally got a cheque from Beyond Robson for my September blog posts as well. So, as I said, it’s been a lucky week work wise. The only bad luck I’ve had involved the fishies. Anderson Cooper, specifically. This weekend, I was shocked to find him lying on the floor of my living room, a good two metres from his bowl! I almost stepped on him! Luckily, I noticed just in time, and he obviously hadn’t been out of the water for long, because he was still alive. I deposited him back in his home, and changed the water (in case water conditions were what inspired him to try to escape, and even though it had just been changed the day before). He seems to have recovered, but that night, I had multiple nightmares about all my little finned friends committing suicide in massive leaps. It was very upsetting. D had the same dream, actually. Isn't that weird? Anyway, all’s well. But damn! That Anderson Cooper is shaping up to be a serious troublemaker. I should have known when I named him. Mope Mope! Jen November 10, 2006 NOBODY LIKES A BLOND IN A HAMSTER BALL Ho Ho Ho. Things are going very well in Jen-land. Not much time to blah-og lately, as mentioned in a previous post, but things are good. I’m working on some stories for The Tyee at the moment, and the November issue of ION is out. Alas, we’re having some issues with the website, so the PDF isn’t online yet, but the print edition has been circulating well. (Note to anyone who doesn’t think many people see the magazine – hundreds of thousands of people read it every month in Canada alone.) I’ve been blogging at BR as usual, though I don’t think I’ve written anything profound. And I may be doing some product testing again soon, so keep your eyes peeled for that. Not much else is going on. I’ve just been thinking about Christmas. I’m going to be in Toronto for the holidays (woot), which will be nice since I haven’t been there in December at all in the last three years. In 2003 I was in India, 2004 I spent at home alone, and in 2005 I was in Mexico with D and his fam. So we’re taking it back to the old school. I crave snow, so it might be fun. We’ll see. Speaking of Christmas, I’ve been thinking about gifts – what I want to get other people, as well as what I’m hoping they might get me. Usually, I don’t give people hints. I usually don’t really care that much about getting presents, and I sort of think that someone who wants to give me something should know me well enough to pick out something I’d like. Alas, this means I get some weird stuff. My sister is the worst culprit. She’s too busy for holiday shopping (she’s a doctor) and tends to panic and buy random stuff at the last minute. (Sorry, sis. It’s true. Don’t make me tell them about the chiristmas-fun-time clock.) Plus, people always THINK they know everyone better than they do. I used to know a guy who made excessively long wish lists for himself around the holidays. (At his birthday too, for that matter.) They were pages and pages long… typed. I thought it was tacky at the time, but now I’m wavering. After all, he ended up getting a lot of what he wanted. Still, something about it bothered me. It seemed to take all the magic and care out of the gifting process. But you know what? I love shopping and often see things I want, though I don’t buy much, and I’m jonsin’ for stuff and feeling materialistic and oh-so-80s-madonna today, so here, for the first time since I was wee and writing to Santa, and in no particular order, is my Christmas wish list. I consider it a holiday experiment. (Like that second-last sentence. Good one!) Take it as inspiration, or advice about my tastes if you want. Or, if you are kind enough to buy me anything off it, talk amongst yourselves so you don’t double up. (Or keep receipts… because, let’s be honest…much like a blond in a hamster ball, nobody likes a double up.)  Bib-apron. Stripy is good. Any colour but blue. No blue.
 Business card case.  Circle pendant necklace, gold.  Clear hard plastic ipod case. (I have a 20 gig, like the one shown.)  Cranium! The game!  Flask keychain from Restoration Hardware.  Cuisinart Mini-Prep food processor. Metal finish.  Hanover martini shaker from Restoration Hardware.  Neoprene ibook case (for 12" laptop). I like white, orange, black, red. Not so much this green, but I'm easy about colour.  Button length leather gloves. I'm partial to brown, but black is good too.  Oversize pearl stud earrings, gold posts.  Size 7.5 or 8 Suede Slippers from LaSenza in brown, not shown.  New Vinyl Cafe book, Secrets from the Vinyl Cafe, by Stuart McLean. I reserve the right to add to the list or change it at any time. Go, minions! Buy things! Happy Shopping, Jen October 29, 2006 THANKS, THAT WAS FUN  Halloween is, by far, the very best fake holiday ever. Flickr it. Jen October 17, 2006 IT'S THAT WOOO WOOO! YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'? I'm just not feeling the blog thing lately, guys. Better things to do, I guess. There are babies on the way, futures to be planned and balls in the air. Be patient. Check back later. In the meantime, watch: Dance! Alligators! Future Biff! Pinball! Bub Rub! Wubba Wubba Imagination! On. and consider buying this tee shirt. It's funny. Love n' stuff, Jen October 10, 2006 IT MUST BE FOR SOMETHING MORE THAN VANITY I’ve been crap about blah-ogging, I know. It’s nothing to worry about, I’m just using most of my bloggeriffic energy over at Beyond Robson. It’s easier to write when you have a topic in mind (and when nothing you say is expected to be particularly personal). The October issue of ION is out. D and I did a joint story this month, but not because we’re touchy-feely annoying or anything. We just needed to fill a bigger space than expected and instead of asking D to expand his piece, I just wrote an additional one of my own. It’s about Rock Paper Scissors. October is turning into a pretty busy month. Unfortunately, D is heading back to Ontario for a few days as a result of an unexpected death, and I’ll be left here to hold down the fort. We’ve got a big Halloween party planned (and hilarious costumes to construct) and plenty of other things to do. Tonight is Gilmore Girls Night with the Girly Girls, which is always fun, but which I’m feeling distracted from because some of the betta fish are constipated (yeah, constipated… as in, they’re not pooing, which can kill them). So I’m stressing about that. I’ve been feeding them bits of green pea, which is apparently fishy laxative, so cross your fingers that it works. Poor Anderson Cooper! Nine fish. What was I thinking? Jen September 27, 2006 BRIGHT, JUST LIKE THE STARS ABOVE ME SO. Things are going GREAT all of a sudden. I think the mantra is kicking in. My poem is out in issue # 146 of The Antigonish Review (TAR). It’s entitled “carriage” and appears on page 114. (My name is near the bottom of the table of contents.) I don’t care that I’m way in the back. I’m still pretty pumped. Here’s the contributor’s page. You can’t read the actual poem online. You’ll have to buy the issue. Copies will run you about $10 apiece. In other news, these days I’m all about the events. Last night I went to the Women in Film and Video Martini Madness party, which was interesting. I got complimented on my dress ($5 at Value Village, baby) so that was enjoyable. Next up is the Mara Gottler fashion show tomorrow evening, which is a part of BC Fashion Week. Then, Craig arrives (late Friday night – he’s coming for the weekend), and on Saturday we’re hitting a birthday party before heading out to my magazine’s We Love FashION Party (get it?). Sunday is a recovery day, though Craig really wants to go to Lumiere. We’ll see. I’m not feeling very fancy pants. I’m writing a lot about these sorts of events on the Beyond Robson website. If you’re interested in reading that sort of thing, you can subscribe to my RSS feed. (That stands for Really Simple Syndication, for those of you mouldies who haven’t heard of it.) Finally, my friend Patty and her mum have been raising money for ALS in honour of my friend (their family member) Lori, and as of yesterday, they surpassed their $5000 goal. If you want to give to the fund, you can do so easily online. Sure, overall Lori’s ALS is a really sad thing, but beating the fundraising goal is something to be happy about. Things are looking up. Anyway, bizzy bizzy. I am bizzy. Bizzzzzzz, Jen September 22, 2006 WE HAD A TIME . . . NO, WAIT. WE DIDN'T. I know I haven’t posted much lately. Things have been crazy. Work crazy and regular stuff crazy. D’s family’s been in town all week for his Call Ceremony, and the middle of the month is always a busy time at ION. More importantly though, I’ve been too MAD to blog. Why have I been mad, you ask? Well, mostly because people… suck. (And yeah, at this point, saying it again is sort of redundant, but whatever.) You see, awhile back I got some hate mail. Just one letter, sent in the regular post, from Toronto. Now, seeing as how my writing is often fluffy, hate mail isn’t exactly something I’m used to. And anyway, this hate mail wasn’t about work. It was personal. Someone actually took the time to send me personal snail mail hate mail. Believe it. I only told a couple of people, in part because I was too mad, and in part because it was kind of embarrassing to think I’d made someone crazy enough to send me hate mail. (Of course, I’ve since clued in to the obvious fact that I shouldn’t really be embarrassed about being harassed by a bitter betty, but it took a few days.) Anyway, the letter was pretty short. And if you’re wondering why I wasn’t frightened about it, I should explain that it wasn’t threatening, just obnoxious, and it was also sent fauxnonymously. Fauxnonymous is a word I’ve made up to describe something that is only ostensibly anonymous. (It’s more fun to make up words than it is to use sarcastic quotes, don’t you think?) My point is that the jerk who sent me the stupid letter seemed to want me to know who it was from. He made it pretty clear. And, well… I got pretty mad. Little Mr. Asshat’s intent was obviously to get a rise out of me, and it worked, because in the wake of the stupid letter I did the absolute worst thing I could have done. I responded. I actually sent back a similar message of my own, via the Internet (which is also fauxnonymous, as everyone of my age knows). My purpose was threefold - to show I got the message, to show I knew who the message was from, and to show the sender that they could just f-off and die for all I cared. I know. Stupid, right? Alas. I blame technology. If I’d had to go through the trouble of sending real mail, by the time I’d gotten through sorting out the logistics and perfecting my handwriting, etc. I’d probably have cooled down enough to see that responding was not the best course of action. (Curse you, Internet. Curse you, I say!) Anyway… it just made everything worse. It just extended the incident. The message I sent back was just as obnoxious, though less wordy, than the letter I received, but it was also dumb. It was dumb to let anyone make me that mad over something so lame. And ever since I replied, I’ve been waiting for what comes next, which is even dumber. I’ve been waiting for the loser to figure out I’d replied, and either get more angry and escalate his preteen style harassment, or explain what got his asshat knickers in such a twist to begin with. I actually let this bother me for weeks. Well, no more. I did receive a response of sorts, finally, just this past week. And of course, it wasn’t remotely satisfying. It just made me madder, which again, was probably the point. And isn’t that always the way when it comes to interacting with jerks, particularly psycho jerks in need of therapy? Blah. This is my one and only rant about the subject. I’ve gone cold turkey on the tit for tat thing, which is what I should have done in the first place. I guess I’m a slow learner. I’m always giving big fat jerks one more chance to shape up. It’s a weird thing I have – this desire to revisit bad stuff to make it good. In some cases, it just doesn’t work. A few months ago, I made an agreement with my friend Sarah. We decided to apply a motto to the summer of 2006. That motto was No Mo’ Asshos. Obviously, I didn’t really take it to heart. So I’m extending it into the fall. Forget summer. As of right now, my/our new slogan/motto/whateveryouwannacallit is Autumn 2006: No Mo Asshos. (This time we’re serious!) And friends, for the love of Pete and all that is holy moly, if I ever start softening on this particular jerk again, remind me. No mo, I say! This is it. Love, Jen September 12, 2006 OIL THIGH In addition to being Craigery’s birthday, this coming Friday marks the kick off of Queen’s homecoming weekend. In lieu of going (alas! alas!) all my west coast Queen’s peeps are thinking of painting our faces and heading out to the Blarney Stone for an evening befitting the nineteen year olds we apparently still feel we are. Now, if that’s not fun on a bun I don’t know what is. Cha Gheill! Cha Gheill! Cha Gheill! Jen P.S. Some appropriate photos from back in the day.    September 8, 2006 YOU KNOW ME, NOT MUCH WITH THE DAMSELING Most people who know me know I’ve had a bunch of bad luck in the last year. My Dose job went to hell (though, as it turns out, Dose itself went to hell, so getting out when I did was ultimately a good thing, but whatever). Weekly Scoop, a magazine I was developing a pretty good relationship with, tanked. And now, For Me magazine has tanked as well. For Me was part of Hachette Filipacchi Media (the company that publishes mags like Women’s Day) and they paid me incredibly well, so I was psyched about our whole relationship. Alas… As I’ve said before, I apparently have the unmidas touch. But I’m nothing if not resourceful. Indeed, things seem to have balanced out. I’ve been doing the editing thing for ION since the beginning of the year, and that’s going really well. I joined the board of the WMA Foundation (also a fairly major plus), and as of this week, I’ve become a Fresh Daily blogger for Beyond Robson. So maybe that thing about stuff happening in threes (both good and bad) is true. At least, it’s true when you work for it. Anyway, the new issue of ION is out. I wrote a story about the RBC painting competition (only because some flaky freelancer didn’t fulfil her responsibility to turn in a story and I had to scramble at the last minute), and my friend Sarah did one about PostSecret. Anyhoo babaloo, Jen September 3, 2006 FLAME UP Last night, I did something I haven’t done in ages. I went dancing. At Celebrities, which is probably the best gay club in the city. And surprisingly (shockingly, actually) I had a great time. Mostly, I feel too old for this sort of thing. (And when I say that, I don’t mean that I actually think I’m old. Because I’m not. Obviously.) What I mean is that I just feel like clubbing is something meant for other people. People who are looking to meet people. And I’m sort of at full social capacity at the moment. I mean, it’s hard to see the point, isn’t is? The dressing up, the expensive cover, the taxi rides, the house music, the hoopla… I don’t really get it. But then, out of nowhere I have a super fun night like I did yesterday, and suddenly, I do. So that’s kind of nice. Jen August 30, 2006 ONE THING LEADS TO ANOTHER Today I saw my first TV commercial for the new Zach Braff movie Last Kiss. I watched the preview months ago, but now we’re getting’ close and I’m gettin’ excited. I love that boy and am looking endlessly forward to the movie. Of course, having said that, it will most likely be an enormous suck bum letdown, but whatever. My point is that I’m looking forward to it. Speaking of things I’m looking forward to, the movie opens on Craigery’s birthday, September 15. (A coincidence that is just SO appropriate considering his personality.) I only wish we lived in the same city so that we could go together. Anyhoo, you should watch the trailer if you haven’t already. Speaking of stuff that’s worth watching, you might also want to check this old video of Kevin Smith talking about Superman. And speaking of Superman, does anyone besides me find Kristen Kreuk endlessly annoying? The girl is a terrible actress with a squirrelly face. Hot, in that Asian fever sort of way, but hello! Lana Lang is supposed to be a redhead. Speaking of redheads… Just kidding, Jen August 28, 2006 JUST ANOTHER MANIC MONDAY In response to my last post, I received the following feedback: I looked at your blog this morning, and I have to say, it is a good thing you don't have a comments section. The 'Michael Keaton Batman fails the test of time and is crap' posting is simply another example of unfair, and frankly outrageous Keaton-bashing. True, he hasn't done a good movie since he did that clone film, but in the Batman world, he is unsurpassed. My sister used to have a crush on Val Kilmer, so I know all about his terrible acting (save Top Gun). I didn't even bother seeing George Clooney as Batman, and if I remember his Academy Awards speech correctly, that doesn't bother him at all. Finally, that whole Batman Begins movie, or whatever it was called, with the guy from Little Women as Batman, was pretty dumb. Although, I will admit that he is the best actor out of the batmen. But, getting back to the first Batman, what a great soundtrack! Plus, the sets and costumes were so much more interesting than anything else in the other Batman films. And as far as villains go, remember when the Joker used his electric hand buzzer to electrocute that guy? That was really scary when I was a kid. Was gov. Arnold scary as Iceman? No. Was Tommy Lee-Jones scary as Two-Face? No. Was the bad guy in the last movie scary? Shit, he was so boring that I don't even remember his name. Were any of the actors chosen to play Batman perfect? No, but at least Michael Keaton wasn't an annoying pretty boy, or fantasy of middle-aged women (a la Clooney). So, in short, it is a rainy Sunday morning, and as of Friday, I'm unemployed, browsing blogs, and looking for injustices against Michael Keaton. I shall not reveal the author of the above feedback, but I love not being the only person with too much time on my hands. Horatio, as one-armed/one-eyed as you are, I remain yours, Jen August 23, 2006 THIS SHOW IS DEFINITELY OVER  Did you hear that SPACE will be rerunning The Hilarious House of Frightenstein this fall? Yep. ‘Tis true. I’m sort of excited about it. When my sister and I were little, every time we made orange juice we would pretend to be Grizelda, the Ghastly Gourmet. A taste test and inevitable hilarity would ensue. I’m not 100 percent sure I want to watch. What if it’s crap? Like the original Michael Keaton Batman or say, cheese strings. The whole test of time thing can be a real beeotch. Mmmm, buzzards’ beaks and Julia Child, Jen August 21, 2006 A VAGUE DISCLAIMER IS NOBODY’S FRIEND Warning: this entry is deadly boring. Sorry to be so absent, guys. I just don’t have much to say. Reading a lot, though. Check out the booklog if you want to hear (or rather, read) more about that. I wish it would rain. Living in Vancouver has been a real let down in regards to rain. I feel I am a victim of false advertising. They TOLD me it was going to rain A LOT, but I’ve been living here in for four years and I’m still waiting. It’s flippin’ sunny every darn day of the week. And that sucks. Cause, you know, being undead and all, the sun kinda burns. Booourns, Jen August 12, 2006 COOL GUYS? NO THANK YOU. WE’D MUCH RATHER BE A COUPLE OF DORKS. Introducing: George!
  Monty!   Bubbles!   Wopner!   Princess Fancy Pants!   and… Anderson Cooper!   (He's a silver fox.)
They are the newest additions to our family. They are super-radtastics Siamese Fighting Fish, also known as Betta Splendens. They were 3 for $5 and living in dirty little cups before we rescued them. Now they shall live like kings! Here fishy fishy fishy! Jen August 11, 2006 LOGIC IS ON A SKI VACATION WITH HIS BUDDY, REASON I realized today that I forgot to post a note when the August issue of ION came out. It’s available for download on the main site. I don’t have any writing in this one because I’m trying to stick to my "do less work" resolution. So this month, the mag features stories by both D and my friend Sarah. D wrote about Hatebeak, this crazy death metal band that has a parrot as their lead singer. Sarah wrote about nude photography and why it’s crap. Anyway, that’s that. The remaining three books I have to read for Elle magazine arrived in the mail today. They look somewhat more promising than the last bunch. We’ll see how it goes. Oh, and I should probably tell you that the stupid Bank of Montreal has yet to refund ANY of my stolen money. They tell me “the investigation is ongoing” and that “the good news is” they’ve determined that I was “indeed defrauded.” The manager of my local branch is a brilliant, brilliant man. Truly. I’m trying to decide what to do with the rest of the summer. What do you think? Jen August 10, 2006 BOB, BOB, BOB, HE DOESN’T ATTRACT MOSQUITOS Confession: I ate Doritos for breakfast this morning. Not a LOT of Doritos. Not a full bag. Just some. I had them with my coffee. And frankly, they tasted awesome, and if it wasn’t socially unacceptable (and disgustingly unhealthy) to do so, I’d eat them every day. So. D and I returned from the Oaknagan on Monday night, exhausted, though I’m not sure why. I mean, all we did was hang around and taste wine. It wasn’t exactly a high impact weekend. Oh, and another thing: visiting vineyards is sort of interesting, but guess what? No matter where you go, or what vintage you try, or what grapes the wine is made from, it all tastes like… wine. So I’m really not sure what all the fuss is about. Photos on Flickr, obviously. Jen August 4, 2006 WISH ME MONSTERS BC Day approaches. I’m off to the Okanagan Valley for sun, swimming, desert wandering and wine. Ooooooooooooogopogo, where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain! Oh, wait… Jen    P.S. D passed the Bar. Just found out. Woot!!! Let the celebratory weekend begin! August 3, 2006 I SHOULD GO TO DRASTIC MEASURES So it would seem that people weren’t really paying attention when I appealed to everyone to stop sucking (May 16, 2006). Sorry for being relatively absent this week. Things haven’t been great and I haven’t been online much. (I’m so behind on my regular sites!) And it’s all because people suck. Here’s what happened: Last weekend, I was at the bank with D, payin’ some bills and mindin’ my own business when the ATM machine I was using spit out a rather disturbing message. “You do not have sufficient funds to cover this transaction.” Seeing as how the bill I was paying was only for about $100, this announcement was fairly distressing, though not, as it turns out, inaccurate. To make a long story more amusing (though not particularly short): I have no money. Why do I have no money? Because people SUCK. Careful inspection of my account revealed that over the course of last week, my entire chequing account was drained. Tapped out. Bled dry. By fraudsters. That’s right. I have been the victim of banking fraud. Basically, my card (which I never lost or stopped using) was doubled, my pin was stolen, and some asshats in Spain and Italy took all my money. Luckily, it’s likely that the bank is going to refund me my lost funds eventually, but first they’ve gotta do a whole fraud investigation hoopla thing, which means getting my cash back is going to take awhile. I ask you: does this not SUCK? Does it not SUCK THE BAG? I’d say it does. So anyway, that’s the story. I have all kinds of good karma, so I'm sure this will all sort itself out, but admittedly, in the days since I found out, I’ve been laying low. I’ve been cooking like a deranged Holly Housewife, and punctuating my days with reruns of 90210 and Miss Match. Me and the Internet are a little on the outs. (Though, I should point out that my card info wasn’t stolen from the Internet. I’m just covering my bases.) Anyhooooooo. You’re welcome to send me money if you’re so inclined. So po’, Jen July 28, 2006 WE GONNA CELEBRATE Big D completed the Bar Exam today! Everybody cheer for lawyer/engineers. We're having a party. 8 p.m. tonight. Click the image for a fairly accurate preview.  Hey ya, Jen July 27, 2006 THE QUESTION ISN’T 'WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?' THE QUESTION IS 'WHAT AREN’T WE GOING TO DO?' Well, the Blue Jays let us down yesterday. (Boo, Blue Jays. BooJays?) That said, going down to Seattle for the game was still super fun. We had great seats on the third base line, and there were a surprising number of Toronto fans in our general vicinity, so we got some good cheers on. It was also hilarious to be there with a hardcore fan like MJ. We even had a sign. It said “Go Overbaby!” in honour of Lyle Lyle Crocodile. I mean, Overbay. (Forgive me if I make mistakes with the current players’ names. I’m only just becoming reacquainted with the team.) Anyway, good times were had by all. Bueller-esque road trips are always enjoyable. Photos are going up on Flickr ASAP. I shall now end this post with a photo of a cute puppy I met last week. (Actually, this is a photo of a puppy that is very similar to the cute puppy I met last week. Though not, unfortunately, quite as cute.)  Love, Lyle… I mean, Jen. July 26, 2006 BUELLER? BUELLER? Going to Seattle to watch the Jays whip the booty off the Mariners tonight! (I hope!) It’s me, MJ and Kathryn, all playing truant. D can’t come because he’s writing the Bar Exam this week. (Sucker!) Since MJ and K are the couple in this situation, and since I’ll be ridin’ bitch in the back seat, I’m thinking this makes me the Cameron. With that in mind, I’ve only got one thing to say: I’m gonna take a stand. Go Jays Go! Jen P.S. Actually, I would also like to take this opportunity to point out that you can’t play truant if you don’t have a job. I am playing truant. Therefore (Grandpa!) I have a job. I’m an editor. I work for a magazine called ION. We distribute approximately 30,000 issues a month, at 48 pages each, in Montreal, Toronto, Calgary and Vancouver. It’s not the sort of job that requires me to dress in uncomfortable clothes or spend time in an uncomfortable office, or ponder the question “have I sold out?” so I see why people might be confused, but to settle the question once and for all: I. have. a. job. It’s just a fun job. Try to get your head around it. July 21, 2006 WE PAID NINE DOLLARS FOR THIS? So yesterday, I found an alarming notice posted in the foyer of my building. It read: “Residents, please close your windows today as we will be releasing hundreds of ladybugs to combat the aphids in the trees.” This notice was alarming for a number of reasons, including the fact that, A) By the time I saw it, it was already 2 o’clock in the afternoon. B) ALL the windows in my apartment were open and had been open all day. C) I believe that everything can be scary when encountered in a swarm. Bugs. Babies. Everything. It is also important to note that the notice lied. They did not release hundreds of ladybugs, as promised. They released thousands of ladybugs. 25,000, to be exact. My building manager told me so. I said it once, and I’ll say it again: alarming! To be fair, the ladybugs aren’t really turning out to be all that scary. They’re all over the trees outside, but I’ve only seen one or two in the apartment. That said, here’s what I want to know: once the ladybugs eat the aphids, where will they go? Have we not just replaced one infestation with another? Are we not going to have to bring in more and more creatures to combat the ones we’ve already got, like in that song about the old lady who swallowed a fly? D is really excited at the prospect. He figures, if we’re lucky, they’ll release bigger and bigger creatures, eventually getting to something like gorillas, which he’ll subsequently be able to befriend. Really. That’s what he’s hoping for. Here’s a hilarious Japanese toilet training video that was sent to me on my birthday. Watch and learn. Swarm of babies! Think about it. Jen P.S. I’ve decided that in honour of a new year online, I’m going to deviate from my song quote titles format. Guess all the songs I’ve used over the last year and you’ll get a prize. Or my undying, platonic love. One or the other. (No Googling, you cheaters! I know I can’t stop you, but I’m appealing to your sense of fair play.) Today's title, FYI, comes from the Sponge Bob Square Pants Movie. It was bigger, spongier and squarier, you know. July 17, 2006 'TIL YOU MAKE YOUR PEACE WITH YESTERDAY It occurred to me yesterday that ten years ago, I spent my birthday in Vancouver. That was back when I was still awed by the look of the mountains and the size of the trees out here. That’s one thing I remember about that day. Another is having my legs waxed for the first time, but let’s not talk about that. Other things I remember? There are three that come to mind. The first is that I stayed up really late finishing the John Irving book A Prayer For Owen Meany, which I was reading because my boyfriend at the time told me I reminded him of one of the characters. (Hester the Molester. Try to imagine why we broke up.) Just yesterday, my friend Sarah and I discussed the same book, and when I told her the Hester/boyfriend story she said she could see what he meant. The second thing I remember is that my cousin, who was only about eleven at the time, gave me markers and a letter writing set as a gift – a gift I now think of as one of the best gifts ever. I used up almost all the letter stuff over the years and the markers still work. The final, and perhaps most important thing I remember is looking into the mirror in the middle of the night on the 17th and thinking, ‘This is it. This is me, grown up.’ This morning, I looked into the mirror and thought, “This is it? This is me grown up?’ D stayed up all night baking me a cake and arranging pretty roses for me, so all in all ... all's well. Thanks to everyone who sent greetings. You guys are the cats' pyjamas. Times are far between and few, Jen July 14, 2006 ONCE A YEAR WE CELEBRATE WITH STUPID HATS AND PLASTIC PLATES To be fair, the site's birthday isn't really until tomorrow. But it's my site, so I'm celebrating now. In fact, I plan to continue celebrating all week! That's just the way I roll. How awesome is that flash thingy? Awesome and not at all boring/tacky. Happy Birthday To Me! Jen July 11, 2006 GLORY AND CONSEQUENCE Poor D. Poor, poor, gullible D. As mentioned in my previous post, his birthday was yesterday. And sweet, unassuming, unsuspicious man that he is… he fell for yet another surprise party. This wouldn’t be so funny if it weren’t the FOURTH YEAR IN A ROW. I say again: poor, poor D. Since we held it on a Sunday and most people spent the morning watching the World Cup Final, the party was a little more chill than it’s been in previous years, but all in all, it was a success. I had planned a beach picnic/bbq, followed by a screening of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest (because D has this weird thing about pirates… this weird man-love thing). Unfortunately, all the early evening showings of the movie were sold out. As a compromise, we ended up spending three hours bowling while we waited for a later screening to start. So when I say unfortunately, what I actually mean is luckily, because I am A SUPER AWESOME BOWLER. Plus, we got to make a funny detour to the pharmacy to buy socks. Sunday afternoons don’t get better than that. Still, I gotta wonder how D really feels about being surprised, AGAIN. In a way, it must burn him a little. Sure, it’s nice, because people always want to come to his parties, and I think he gets that that’s because everybody loves him, but… still. In his own defence, I should say that with the exception of stuff like this, I’m endlessly honest with D throughout the rest of the year, but I’m also a really good Sneak. So it’s not like he’d have an easy time figuring anything out. That said… I may actually not even try to surprise him next year, because if he falls for it again his ego may never recover. Anyway, like I said, the party was a success. I was a little disappointed at Pirates 2, which was more like the first half of a much longer movie than a self-contained story, but I still enjoyed it. I like seeing people with barnacle faces. I didn’t, however, think all that much about the Kraken. Particularly since it had a mouth like a Sarlacc (or whatever that thing from Jedi was called) instead of like a giant squid, which is what I’d been hoping for. But ANYWAY. Pirates are cool no matter how you slice it. Yar! There are lots of other things I should talk about, not the least of which is the Western Magazine Awards, which gave me the opportunity to meet all kinds of neat and fancy magazine people, as well as forced me to listen to a SUPER LONG acceptance speech by Lifetime Achievement Award winner Stephen Osborne, which, though amazing in it's way, was also – to put it mildly – a little much, but I’ll have to save all that for another time. Incidentally, this coming weekend marks the first official anniversary of the site. Can you believe it? I can. I just got my bill from my hosting service. Boourns. Surprise Party Queen Of The Universe, Jen July 7, 2006 HOW SOON IS NOW? Sorry everybody. I've been so busy. On Monday D and I flew back from Ottawa. On Tuesday I went to this show called the Elastic Cabaret at the Buffalo Club, which was good, excepting an awkward dance number. Wednesday was Girl's Night and a big fat mouthful of So You Think You Can Dance and Canada's Next Top Model, which happened to feature photographer Rob Daly, who is the guy who shot my very own headshots, including the one you see on this page. He seems a lot more full of himself than he did when I met him. Oh well. That's what being on TV does to you, I guess. Yesterday, I worked on the next issue of ION and did some errand type stuff for the WMAF. Tonight is the Western Magazine Awards Gala for which I must make myself pretty. Monday is Big D's birthday. After that, rest. Have still not unpacked from the trip. Photos from Canada Day/Jesse and K-Bu's wedding are up on Flickr. New people are checking the site every day. Most come back a second time. Who are all you people? I'm curious. My birthday is ten days away. You're welcome to start shopping. Jen June 26, 2006 TO UPHOLD ALL THE STATUTES OF BOREDOM Photobloggywoggy. So says I, Jen June 23, 2006 TAKE ME AS I COME, ‘CAUSE I CAN’T STAY LONG I didn’t plan to blog from the road, but I figure it’s time for an update. I’ll start with the worky-work: Weekly Scoop Magazine has folded. (Maybe I have the un-midas touch?) I’m fairly bummed. Not because I loved the mag all that much, but because they paid really well. Boo-urns, I say. Boo-urns. The summer issue of ION is out. Related new content appears on the Art and Books pages, respectively. Now, onto the not-work: This past weekend in Montreal was SUPER FUN. The Swann family, as a whole, is pretty much my favourite family ever. And yeah, I know every family has their issues, skeletons and blah blah blah, but these people are still amazing. Every time I see them I have fun. Every single time. Even when my “date” spends the whole night hitting on other women and leaving me to make small talk with people I don’t know. (Ahem, Craig, you bastard.) The only downside was the six-plus hour drive to Quebec in the un-air conditioned car, which quickly became a sauna, or perhaps more accurately, an actual hell on wheels. Anyhoo, a small series of photos is up on Flickr. Upon arriving back in Toronto I quickly realized that I wasn’t in for as much socializing as I’d hoped, seeing as how most of my friends have real jobs (read: are suckers). So I drove up to Waterloo on Wednesday night, because apparently, in KW, everyone parties on Wednesdays, jobs or no. Very odd, but again, fun. Saw a local mostly-cover band (or more accurately, a pub-style guitar duo) called Skinny Fat (formerly, or maybe still also titled The Benefits of Doubt). Skinny’s real name is Ben Rollo. I liked him a little better than Fat. What I didn’t like was Thursday morning. Partying on Wednesdays may be better suited to people who aren’t me. Plus, sharing a bed with Craig is annoying. He’s got the jimmy legs. Anyway, I’m just hanging out. I’ve seen some friends from Queen’s, and last night I saw some people from high school including Kenny Neal Jr., who I’ve been mostly out of touch with for years. Very retro. Other than that I’ve just been obsessively playing with my new ipod (categorizing, cataloguing, fiddling, etc.) It’s super nerdy. Toronto is too hot. Could it be that I’m finally becoming a real West Coaster? Seems doubtful. Case in point: taxis. I’ve taken so many since I got here. It’s hard to resist when they’re so readily available. (Vancouver transit: you suck.) Love, Jen June 15, 2006 SEMI-CHARMED KINDA LIFE Living on the West Coast is great and all… except when you’re around that age where everyone you know is getting married, and most of them live far far away. Today I leave for a 2 + week trip to Ontario/Quebec, mostly on wedding-related business. Craig and I are going to his brother’s wedding in Sorel on Saturday, so by tomorrow night I’ll be enjoying fun times in Montreal. Then I’ve got a couple of weeks in Toronto, which will likely be filled with totally shallow social interaction and some cottaging. Then it’s up to Ottawa for Canada Day and J-Dawg’s wedding. D is flying in for that, but just for the weekend. I’m looking forward to it all, of course, but feeling dizzy bizzy too. And poor, of course. ‘Cause all this fun is beginning to add up. Speaking of moola, I finally spent some of my ION bucks (which is how I describe the free stuff I get from designers as a perk of working for a fashion magazine). I picked up a whole mess of stuff at Nettwerk/Chulo Pony today (wholesale, of course!) – some of which is shown below, plus a beautiful pair of Paige jeans and a hoodie by Bench, The jeans and the Bench top came to almost $400 – just for those two items. Now, they were comped, so it’s not like I actually spent any money, but there’s something about the idea of it that makes me uncomfortable. It’s the knowing. Knowing that my ass is swaddled in $250 jeans just feels… wrong somehow. So wrong it’s right, maybe. :D Sigh. Things are so GOOD today: Pretty pretty new things, no work for two weeks, no sleep till Brooklyn! I’m packed and I’m holdin’ Jen P.S. The Pretty Pretty:    June 10, 2006 I CAN’T READ SHIT ANYMORE The eight best new books I read last year, in no particular order: 1. The Polysyllabic Spree, Nick Hornby 2. The Sweet Edge, Alison Pick 3. The Highest Tide, Jim Lynch 4. The Friend Who Got Away: Twenty Women's True Life Tales of Friendships that Blew Up, Burned Out or Faded Away, Jenny Offill and Elissa Shappell (ed.) 5. Early Bird: A Memoir of Premature Retirement, Rodney Rothman 6. Killing Yourself to Live, Chuck Klosterman 7. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, J.K. Rowling 8. The Wonder Spot, Melissa Bank Hurrah For Reading!  I should SO get a badge, Jen June 6, 2006 LOOK WHO’S ALONE NOW – IT’S NOT ME It’s been days, people. Days! How on earth have you survived without me? News from Nerd Headquarters (redux): The Western Magazine Awards Finalist Party (and silent auction) took place last Thursday. It was a success. There was much mingling. Unfortunately, I had to duck out early to go to the ION offices to help out with final proofing/copy editing for the summer issue, so I missed the end. The shortlists have been published online. Elsewhere, small changes have been made to the site, beginning with the inclusion of a brand spanking new Booklog. Keep in mind that these are not necessarily books I recommend, just books I’ve read or am reading. I’m trying out the log concept as inspired by Nick Hornby, Ayelet Waldman and Believer Magazine. We’ll see how it goes. Spent Saturday night at a truly heinous club at the Columbia Hotel, which happens to be located in (Almost) Crack Town. It’s not the location that bothered me so much as the sad crowd of nineteen year old posers who most definitely don’t know as much about punk music as they think they do. Then again, maybe I’m just grumpy because I spent the night feeling bored, old and out of touch. So sad! Yesterday, I saw my cousin Iris for the first time in eight months. She’s an actress. Upon noticing the “let’s talk about television” post, she asked me to explain what I liked about it so much. When I said I think TV is the most underrated art form, she laughed. And I thought, exactly. This is my life. I get a lot of laughs, but I rarely actually mean to be funny. Oh well. What else? Well, last night was the Brownie Advancement Ceremony, for which I made “diplomas”. The girls were, as usual, too cute. Guiding is officially on hold for the summer, which is good as I’m feeling a bit burnt out. By September, I’ll probably been keen again. We’ll see. Last, but not least, I’m super excited because it looks like my friend Sarah might be moving into my building. She’s been hunting for a couple of weeks with no luck, and yesterday, I noticed a new opening at The Georgian and told her right away. We saw the flat together this morning and she loved it. There’s lots of interest of course ('cause my building rocks hard), but I’m hoping she gets it. It’ll be just like Res! Or Camp! (Without the rain, mouse poo or slimy palms, I mean.) Kathryn and MJ also moved into the neighbourhood last week. They’re just a few blocks away. D and I were talking about how this is all a part of our nefarious plan for super lazy social domination. Slowly, but surely, they’re gathering. Muha. Muhahaha. Muhahahahahahaha! Jen May 29, 2006 DON’T PHUNK WITH MY HEART Let’s talk about television. I love TV. These days, I suppose I should be embarrassed about that, but I’m not. I LOVE TV. Pretentious people everywhere are shuddering at the thought (or feeling puffed up and superior because they don’t watch, themselves) but I don’t care. TV is awesome. And thanks to the DVR, these days, I watch more than ever. In way less time. With no commercials. It’s great. I’m always looking for new stuff to take the place of my lost favourites (My So-Called Life, Buffy, Angel, etc.), so I admit I watched all kinds of crap this year. Alas, nothing really captured me. And some of it was truly awful. (Hellooo Pepper Dennis & The Bedford Diaries. You suck.) Other stuff was merely mediocre, but I’m gonna keep going with it anyway. Bones, for example, is a pretty ho-hum show, but I love David Boreanaz, and they’ve had a few good moments, so I’ll probably pick it up again next year. Ditto Crossing Jordan. (Jerry O’Connell, I know your secret identity.) As far as mid-season replacements go, I gave the new J.J. Abrams show, What About Brian a chance, and am reservedly optimistic about next season. It got steadily better week to week, so there's hope. Anticipating autumn, I’m looking forward to Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, mostly because I recently developed a deep love of The West Wing and I want to see what Sorkin's got planned, but also because I'm not-so-secretly in love Bradley Whitford. And of course I'll go back to ER, loyal as ever. Actually, just last week I was thinking about whether or not ER had finally crapped out for real when, as usual, they completely hooked me back in with this year’s horrifyingly upsetting season finale. Figures. Speaking of ER, D and I have been watching classic episodes on DVD and on the WB. It’s his first time. We’ve just made our way to the beginning of Season Five, and he’s got a massive man-crush on Greene, so there’s no turning back. It’s so hard to watch him watch without giving stuff away. I saw him falling in love with Gant, for example, and I just thought: Noooooooooo. Now, with the appearance of Lucy Knight, I’m tensing again. (By the way, I never noticed this before, but Kellie Martin, who played Lucy Knight, bears a weird resemblance to an old-school Sarah Michelle Gellar. It’s freaking me out.) What can I say? I sit on my sofa with D, watching him get into it, and I just think, Ow, my heart. It’s FUN. Sigh. In case I haven’t mentioned this yet: I love TV. So, is it too much? I don’t think so. It’s not like I’m a 700 pound freak who's eventually going to need to be crane-lifted out of my apartment by the Fire Department. I just love TV. I think it’s the most underappreciated art form, maybe because it's too accessible, and therefore unappealing to all those jerks who need to be different (read: special) to feel good about themselves. But ANYWAY. My point is that it's hard. People don’t seem to get this, but TV is REALLY HARD to do well. It's hard to strive for originality in such a saturated market, and to write so much so quickly, and to produce so much so fast. (And okay, I know a lot of shows are about the opposite of originality, but a lot of others are trying.) That’s what TV is. Hundreds of people, plugging away like crazy. How can you not appreciate that? I should ask some TV snob to explain. There are enough of them around. Anyway, pop culture makes you smarter. So there. Thank you, Boob Tube. Thank you for my genius. Jen P.S. It’s uncanny, no?   May 28, 2006 DON’T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME Today’s post is a seemingly random round up. Did you hear that Paul Gleason died yesterday? It must have been hard for him after The Breakfast Club. To have been remembered for that role, I mean. Not that he wasn't 'effin AWESOME in that movie, but still. You gotta imagine that it bugged the guy.  In other news, The Magazines West site is live. Magazines West is the seminar series affiliated with the Western Magazine Awards, held annually in Vancouver. I'm on board with them now, as most of you know. So sign up and come out!  On
Friday night, I went to see MJ’s band play at the Railway Club. It was
a fun time. Lots of Queen’s people. Surprisingly decent-sized line. Steve Bays, the lead singer from Hot Hot Heat was in the crowd, which was sort of funny. I didn’t recognize him myself, even with the distinctive fro. Someone pointed him out. Anyway, I'm getting off topic. My point is that The Clips have finally put some of their music online, which you can check out here. Let’s see… what else? The summer issue of ION is about to hit. I’ll link to it when it does. In the meantime, I’m sending out an open call for more freelancers. So if any of you want to write, you should really email me. I gotta stop doing all the work myself. That’s it. That’s all. Vanity, insecurity, Jen May 26, 2006 LIFE USED TO BE LIFE-LIKE. NOW IT’S MORE LIKE SHOW BIZ All this talk about photos and I just realized today that I never posted any links to the photos from the ION Anniversary Party last month. You can find them on photographer Kathy’s website (www.kathyisyourfriend.com), specifically here and here. Everyone made such a big deal out of Chloë Sevigny being there. She had a funny hat on.  Stop. Weekend Time. Jen May 24, 2006 A BIG SMILE FOR THE CAMERA Did anyone notice that I accidentally listed the date of my last post as May 21, 2000? I’ve corrected that now, but wow. One little number and suddenly it’s six years ago. Except it’s not. This sort of brings me to the subject of today’s post: photos. Specifically, my flickr photos. As mentioned previously, I scanned and uploaded a bunch of old photos to flickr recently. I organize my photos into sets, but the site also records and displays photos in the order in which you upload them. This is called your photostream. And my photostream is making waves. So what I want to say about that is this: Relax. Relax people. I know you're all wondering what the deal is, but the fact that I uploaded photos of me and the X that are currently appearing on my main page doesn’t mean anything. And frankly, I find it a little odd that y’all are goin’ so CRAZY about it. I mean, come on guys. They’re just photos. Looking at them is sort of like reading the blah-og. You know you actually have to talk to me to figure out what’s really going on over here. The photos are the same. They’re not the whole story. As for the recent uploads, it’s like this: Matt was around for a really long time. Stuff happened. We took pictures. Other stuff happened. We split up. No matter how bad things went in the end, those four years aren’t just going to disappear. And I’m not going to try to write him out of my history. He was there. So, my point is, there are many things one should remember when viewing my flickr photos. Here are three off the top of my head that really, should be obvious: • I’m terribly vain, so I only post what I want you to see.
• I never dated Craig. He just loves being topless. • Smiling and Happy: not the same thing. Holy hoopla. Are you satisfied now? Jen P.S. Has anyone else noticed my repeated and blatant misuse of the colon? I love that thing: indeed I do. May 21, 2006 ALL’S QUIET ON THE FRONT The most boring blog update in the world begins … now. My grandfather commented today that the grammar in the blah-og is pretty darn awful. It did not seem to matter to him that I do this deliberately. He also didn’t like Suckfest 2006. But as he’s not really my target audience, I’m not creased. With D off in Algonquin, I suddenly have a load of extra time on my hands. I’ve been filling it as best I can, but spent most of Saturday puttering, tidying up, and organizing things around my apartment. I killed a few hours uploading new/old photos to flickr and reorganizing my photos sets into chronological order. Exciting, I know. And not at all sad. What else? Well, I guess I could take a moment here to set the record straight on something a lot of people seem to have misinterpreted: I don’t hate comments. I’m just not allowing them on the site right now. It’s too much work and I’m not much into it, so I don’t see why I should make the effort. But I never said I’d NEVER allow comments. Maybe one day. So relax, you comment-crazed weirdoes. In lieu of saying anything of substance, I will now weigh in on a few of the season/series finales that have hit in the last three weeks: Veronica Mars: Beaver? BEAVER did it? I love this show, but the end of Season Two was confusing no matter how you slice it. In the show’s defence, the Season One’s finale was entitled Leave It To Beaver, so maybe this ultimate storyline was planned all along, but it didn’t mesh with me. Veronica and her dad are still awesome, but I miss old Neptune. You know, when Wallace wasn’t annoying, and Jackie didn’t exist. When season finales included being locked inside a refridgerator and doused with gasoline, baby. Those were the days. None of this murder/suicide/molestation business. Blech. Gilmore Girls: I recently heard someone describing this show as being written by and about “nerdy bitches on speed” which is both funny and vaguely accurate. I don’t know what’s going to happen now that Amy Sherman-Palladino is bailing out, but this season was fairly predictable, so the change may be for the best. Milking the Lorelai/Luke love connection (will they? won’t they?) is trite, but also classic, and there’s some satisfaction in that. My guess is that Luke will continue to be an asshat for most of the final season, until ultimately seeing the error of his ways. Then there’ll be a wedding. The end. Grey's Anatomy: Denny, NoooooOOOoooooOOOoo! (I can't believe they killed Kenny. I mean, Denny. He was the only character I remotely cared about.) The O.C.: Good riddance, Marissa! Mischa Barton is hot, but she is the worst actor ever. D might call her the “blurst” (the best/worst, because her being so awful gives us lots to complain about), but I can’t agree. Seeing as how she’s already ODed in Tijuana, been to rehab, been a teen alcoholic, been a lesbian, slummed it with with surfers, shot someone, almost been raped, been kicked out of school, witnessed a cliff death, and prevented a GHB assault, I think her character was just played out. The only thing I feel bad about is the totalling/explosion of Ryan’s new Toyota. That was a sweet ride. Smallville: I can’t talk about it. I’ll start yawning and I won’t be able to stop. Then I’ll die. Will & Grace: I basically hate this show and I didn’t watch the Series Finale, but now I sort of want to. So I’ll just take this moment to complain about NBC and how stupid it is that they offer the option of watching online only to Americans. Stupid NBC. I hate you. And your stupid gay sitcom, too. Hey, know what I found out today? The Canadian Tire Commercial Guy went to Queen’s. He was featured in the Alumni Review. He makes me want to buy a pressure washer. That’s talent. ZzzzzZZZzzzz, Jen May 17, 2006 RAINBOW COLOURS WILL CHEER YOU UP! Guess what, guys? I haven’t sucked at all today! Guess what else? CanWest is killing the print version of Dose. Apparently, the Karma Police like me. Here are some lovely images of Rainbow Brite:   Like me, she doesn’t suck at all. At least, not today. She, me, and the rest of the Colour Kids are partying it up. For more info about how to stop sucking, read yesterday’s post. And keep in mind that if you make a go of it, the Karma Police may bless you too. It’s something to think about. Tickled Pink, Jen May 16, 2006 WE’LL FIND THE CURE TO ALL OUR BAD DEEDS Suckfest 2006: It’s a rant wearing pants. Ready, Steady, Go! Let’s all take a moment to STOP SUCKING. Because seriously? It isn’t funny anymore. People suck. They suck the bag. And not just other people. I suck too. But in the last couple of weeks, more and more suckage seems to be going on all around me and I’m thinking I’d just like to take a break from it for a little while. I’d like to declare a moratorium on sucking. Not sure how to make it happen? Not to worry. I have a few specific suggestions: Parents of my Lovely Friend With the Piercing’s boyfriend: please stop sucking. Stop making Lovely Friend feel sad and stressed out. Stop being mean to her. Stop dropping in at her house with no notice and trying to get your son to break up with her. Apologise profusely (directly to her) for calling her all of the following: selfish, manipulative, bitchy. Get a clue and realise that she’s just a little shy. In other words, be nice. It’s easy. Stop sucking. Internet People: please stop sucking. Stop using your blogs to spew out bizarre passive aggression. (Oops, I should do this one too.) Stop being trolls. Stop throwing nearly every aspect of your life and art online, and then complaining when anyone shows interest. In other words, stop effectively going “Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!” and then whining and getting angry when anyone actually looks closely. In other words, get over yourself. Stop sucking. Kiss Ass Classmate of the BFF: please stop sucking. Stop kissing your teachers’ bums to scrape up better grades. Stop stealing the BFFs ideas. Stop building your self-esteem by taking down everyone else’s. It’s school, okay? It doesn’t matter. The intense level of competition you’re fuelling isn’t going to get you anywhere. Make a friend. Join a team. Offer someone else encouragement. In other words, wipe that poo off your nose and straighten up. Stop sucking. “I’m Waaaaay Too Busy” People: please stop sucking. ‘Cause first of all, you’re not. You’re not “too busy”. You may be somewhat busy, even very busy, but you’re not too busy. So stop pretending you are. You’re also not that important. Consider spending less time on spa visits, shopping, movies, nose picking, and Friends reruns, and you might feel less stressed. Alternately, you could stop whining and showing off about how hectic your life is and, oh, I dunno … get shit done. Think about it. And while you’re at it, stop sucking. Parents of Small Children (Particularly 7 Year Old Girls): please stop sucking. Realize that childlessness is not at all related to intelligence/capability/busy-ness. Stop treating the childless like students/free baby sitters. Appreciate the people who give up their time to provide your largely spoiled children with fun and special experiences. And if your problem is that you just resent everyone with the wherewithal to buy condoms, try to suppress. Please. Please stop sucking. There’s much more suckage that I could mention, but I think you get the picture. No more sucking, guys. Let’s all just do our best. Jen May 8, 2006 KEEPS RAININ’ ALL OF THE TIME So. News time. Here’s the short version: The May issue of ION hit the street today. The associated new content is up on the Arts and Culture page. I was also featured as “contributor of the month” (which basically means the PTB couldn’t find anyone they really wanted to honour) but I’m still pleased to fill the void. And FYI, I wrote the blurb myself. Meanwhile, in less professional parts of the world… Despite the fact that I spent Saturday night in an unheated wooden hut with a tarp roof, in the pouring rain, huddled in my sleeping bag, wearing a toque, a hood, and every warm piece of clothing I had with me, camp went really well. Here’s something I don’t get, though: why do small children always want to hand grownups garbage? Even if there’s a trash bin right next to them my girls seem to prefer to hand ME all of the following:
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