Spent the weekend at the "family" cottage. So, as you might imagine, I'm still recovering.
Preparing to spend time with my family is like preparing for war. You have to be ready with all the accoutrements. Gas mask. Helmet. Squashy, padded, lunacy-repelling flak jacket.
Preparing to spend time with my family is like preparing for war. You have to be ready with all the accoutrements. Gas mask. Helmet. Squashy, padded, lunacy-repelling flak jacket.
It's also best to have diversionary equipment. Personal music player (to tune out audio). Thick books and newspapers (to hide behind). Getaway car (for moments of desperation).
Sleeping pills. Alcohol. You know. The necessities.
And there's no substitute for a buffer. Though I occasionally feel guilty for using a friend or loved one as a human shield...
Mostly, what I find I need more in order to spend time with my family is a sense of self.
When around blood relatives for more than a few hours at a time, inevitably, who I am becomes mired in the more powerful muck of who they are and I feel myself being sucked back into an impotent teenage mindset; into the darkness of the middle 1990s when I couldn't imagine myself as anyone outside of the context of the family.
Sleeping pills. Alcohol. You know. The necessities.
And there's no substitute for a buffer. Though I occasionally feel guilty for using a friend or loved one as a human shield...
Mostly, what I find I need more in order to spend time with my family is a sense of self.
When around blood relatives for more than a few hours at a time, inevitably, who I am becomes mired in the more powerful muck of who they are and I feel myself being sucked back into an impotent teenage mindset; into the darkness of the middle 1990s when I couldn't imagine myself as anyone outside of the context of the family.
In no time at all, it becomes normal to tell people (adults and children alike) to shut up. Normal to abruptly abandon conversations with the parting words that's stupid. Normal to let pass thinly veiled (and sometimes overt) fat jokes, and bits of miscellaneous misogyny. Normal to pit siblings and partners against each other for amusement. Normal to bully. To roll eyes. It feels normal to be rude in the interests of "truth" and to gain the upper hand in conflicts both minute and massive with sarcasm.
Actually, it doesn't just feel normal. It is normal. It's who they are. And while pressed to the smothering bosom of family, I fear it's who I am.
And this worries me, because what if I'm not just part of the family system in the context of the family? What if I'm like this all the time and I don't even know it? (Because clearly, they don't know it. In their hearts, they're nice, well-meaning people. I'm not so stuck that I can't see that they don't mean to be this way. They don't even notice that other people aren't.)
But what if it's genetic? What if you can't escape biology? (Can you? Can I?)
Terrifying, right?
I estimate that it takes me about half the time I spend in the company of the family to unwind again after each meeting. In other words, a two-hour visit requires one hour of recovery time. So a three-day visit means a day and a half to decompress.
With that in mind, I expect I'll feel okay again sometime tomorrow. See you then.
* Creative commons military signage image by Mattox from Stock Xchng.
* Creative commons paper dolls image by Stephanie Hofschlaeger from Stock Xchng.
Actually, it doesn't just feel normal. It is normal. It's who they are. And while pressed to the smothering bosom of family, I fear it's who I am.
And this worries me, because what if I'm not just part of the family system in the context of the family? What if I'm like this all the time and I don't even know it? (Because clearly, they don't know it. In their hearts, they're nice, well-meaning people. I'm not so stuck that I can't see that they don't mean to be this way. They don't even notice that other people aren't.)
But what if it's genetic? What if you can't escape biology? (Can you? Can I?)
Terrifying, right?
I estimate that it takes me about half the time I spend in the company of the family to unwind again after each meeting. In other words, a two-hour visit requires one hour of recovery time. So a three-day visit means a day and a half to decompress.
With that in mind, I expect I'll feel okay again sometime tomorrow. See you then.
* Creative commons military signage image by Mattox from Stock Xchng.
* Creative commons paper dolls image by Stephanie Hofschlaeger from Stock Xchng.
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